With Mother’s Day just gone here in the UK, I thought I would reflect on what makes a mother. When it comes to a mother, what comes to mind? There are so many different mothers out there. From birth mothers, adoptive mothers, auntie’s who are like a mother, grandmothers, the list is endless.

We often think that Mother’s Day is a day for gift giving as well as spending time with our mums. But it can be about so much more too. It’s a celebration of all that they have done for us. Whether that is to raise you in a happy and healthy home, support you through your own struggles or even give you up so you can have a better life than they can provide.

I was raised predominately by a loving and caring family of women. Women who to me, were all like mothers. That isn’t taking anything away from my dad because he did a good job too. But a lot of his time was taken up working, to be able to provide me with a comfortable childhood. These woman shaped my life and definitely have had an influence on the kind of mother I would like to be one day. And here’s why…

My Mum

The woman who grew and birthed me. Because of my mum, I had a healthy start in life. She was there day in, day out. Throughout sad times, illnesses, as well as happy times, my mum was by my side and still is. I am her only child and so it was a learning curve for us both. My mum did an amazing job raising me, at a time when you couldn’t just google something. If she didn’t know, she could either ask another family member, or she would have to work it out for herself. My mum learnt this through her mum. Money was very tight at times too but I never felt like I was missing out.

My Maternal Nan

Born in the 1920s, she experienced a very different childhood to mine. She lived and worked through the second world war and this definitely had an impact on the kind of mother she was to my mum. My nan could be so frugal but never the less, life was still enjoyable. She could appreciate and enjoy the small things in life. Fish and chip Friday, a trip to the seaside, everything was something to look forward to. Just like her twin.

My Great Auntie Mary

Neither her or my nan were expected to live more than a few hours when they were born. Defying the odds, they both lived well into their eighties. My auntie could be the life and soul of a party. She had a love of music, both either singing it or dancing to it. She was a wonderful dancer in her time. But for all this fun, she had a backbone of steal and a determination that family always came first. Her sense of duty so strong that she never had a family of her own. Instead, she nursed both her mother and father as well as looked after her brother too. Despite this pressure, she would love a good laugh and quite often, a wind up.

My Paternal Nan

Most often on the receiving end of one of Mary’s wind ups, my nan is a true warrior. Life has never been easy for her. Through difficult childhood circumstances, she survived the second world war in Cardiff. A marvel in itself considering how heavily bombed it was. Nan first married young and had three children in quick succession. She has always adored her children but that first husband was nothing more than a rotter. After a few years in her abusive marriage, she took her children and fled to the countryside.

I am so proud of how she paved a way for herself and her children, at a time when women should be “keeping home”. Times were difficult and life was often a struggle, but if you ask my dad about his childhood, it was still always happy. Years later, she met her second husband, had another child, had grandchildren, great-grandchildren and even great great grandchildren. My nan would host amazing family get-togethers, was always baking pies and cakes and was everything you’d expect a nan to be. In later years, with her struggle with Dementia, she still has those same family values and dignity that she has always has.

What they taught me

Growing up, these are the women that have shaped my life. Through my mum, I have learnt to be strong, no matter what life throws at you. Between my mum and my maternal nan, I have learnt to enjoy the small things. I don’t need to go to fancy restaurants or on big holidays to have fun. Stick me in a penny arcade for an hour, followed by a walk along the beach and a chippy dinner and I’m more than happy. Through my auntie Mary, I learnt to live life to the full. To say yes to things, to try knew things and most of all, that age is just a number.

My paternal nan is who I think I have learnt the most from, but that is probably because we spent so much time together. We share the love of the same books for starters. I would always buy books from the charity shops and then give them to my nan once I’d read them so we could discuss them. I learnt how to make the best pies from my nan but sadly, that didn’t extend to the cakes too.

Uncanny though it is, my dress sense is very similar to that of my nans when she was my age. The same cut of dress, the same colours, yet it was something that was never really discussed. But our connection goes on a much deeper level than that. Through her own experiences, she was able to spot the abusive relationship I was in, much earlier than anyone else. If it hadn’t have been for her dementia, I know she would have dragged me out of that situation straight away.

The mother I want to be

When it comes to what makes a mother, these women have shaped that for me. As I mentioned about, the women that brought me up are my inspiration when it comes to what kind of mother I would like to be. When my time comes, I don’t want to be like every other mum. They are all doing a great job, because they are doing their best, but it doesn’t mean I need to do everything the same. Just because society says you should or shouldn’t do something, doesn’t mean they are right.

For starters, the nonsense about whether or not you should pick up your crying baby is just that, nonsense. Every baby and child is different, so why should you do what someone else says just because it works for them?

Always trust your gut

One of the main things I want to do when my time comes, and in fact, is something that I already do with a lot of things is to trust my gut. To do what I feel is right. Some people in society might think I’m doing it wrong. However as long as my children are happy and healthy, that’s all that matters to me.

Other things that spring to mind when I think of what kind of mother I want to be is one that is always there for their children. Yes I know that this is impossible to do 100% of the time. However, I would put down my phone and interact with my children. When they are upset, hurt or angry, I want them to know that they can come to me without judgement. That I will help in any way that I can. This doesn’t mean that they will be spoilt. But what it does mean is that they know their feelings and opinions will be valued.

Continuing the traditions

I know I will also carry on the teachings of my “mothers”. They will learn that you can have a lot of fun on little to know budget. That memories are so much more important than things. And that family is the most important thing. But that family, is the family you choose. I would never make a child of mine feel pressured into having a relationship with somebody just because they are “blood”. Blood doesn’t mean family. In my opinion, family is earnt through love, caring and time spend well.

A little bit of a deeper post for this blog but I hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly enjoyed reflecting on just how my “mothers” have shaped the life I lead. I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject in the comments below…