**Trigger warning – How to spot the signs of an abusive relationship discusses a sensitive topic. This post may not be for you. If this is the case, please click off. There are plenty of other posts on The Kelly Diane Report for you to enjoy.

Like all of us, this is not a post I ever thought I’d be writing on a personal level. Whilst I’d heard of other abusive relationships, I just never thought it would happen to me. But it did. Abusive relationships often start without you even realising it, so it is so important that you know the signs.

To start off this post, I’m going to ask you some questions. I want you to think carefully about the answers you would give. Are you ready? Let’s begin…

1. Is your partner jealous and possessive?
2. Is your partner charming one minute and abusive the next?
3. Does your partner tell you what to wear, where to go or who to see?
4. Does your partner constantly put you down?
5. Does your partner play mind games or make you doubt your judgement?
6. Does your partner control your money or make sure you are dependent on them for everyday things?
7. Does your partner pressure you into having sex when you don’t want to?
8. Are you starting to walk on eggshells to avoid making your partner angry?
9. Does your partner control your access to medicine, devices or care that you need?
10. Does your partner monitor or track your messages or movements?
11. Does your partner use anger or intimidation to frighten and control you?

Now you have answered those questions, can you work out which ones are signs of an abusive relationship? Shall I tell you…

The answer is all of them. Whether you answered yes to one of them or more, they are all signs of an abusive relationship. Whether mental, sexual or physical, they are all forms of domestic abuse.

Anyone forced to change their behaviour because they are frightened of their partner or ex-partner’s reaction is experiencing abuse

National Domestic Abuse Helpline, UK 0808 2000 247

It won’t happen to me

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter your age, background, gender, religion, sexuality or ethnicity. Statistics show most domestic abuse is carried out by men and experienced by women. However, these statistics are only the result of cases reported. A lot of abuse stays behind closed doors, particularly when experienced by men.

Are there more than one type of domestic abuse?

Yes, there are numerous types of domestic abuse. They all have two thing in common though. The first is that domestic abuse is never the fault of the person experiencing it. The second is that any form of domestic abuse is a crime. To better understand the signs of an abusive relationship, here are some forms of domestic abuse and examples.

Psychological abuse

I’m sure by now we have all heard or seen the term “gas-lighting” you. The blaming you for the abuse. This is a form of psychological abuse. It can include name-calling, threats and manipulation, whether big or small.

Economic abuse

This can involve things such as controlling access to money or resources. Forms of economic abuse that can be life-changing are your partner taking your wages from you, stopping you from working or by putting you in debt.

Sexual abuse

We all have an idea of what sexual abuse is. However it doesn’t have to be physical abuse. Under this form, you partner might manipulate or coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do.

Coercive control

This is very much a criminal offence and is where an abuser uses a pattern of behaviour over time to exert power and control.

Physical abuse

Did you know that physical abuse doesn’t just mean hitting? Other forms of physical abuse can include restraining you or throwing objects at you. It can also be when your partner pinches or shoves you then claims its a “joke”.

Tech abuse

Tech abuse is a more modern form, which a lot of people don’t really think about. Your partner might send abusive messages, but there is so much more to this form. Other forms of tech abuse are your partner demanding access to your devices or social media accounts, tracking you with spyware, or even sharing images of you online.

What about the statistics?

The following statistics are based on women in the UK as the “abused”. As mentioned above, these statistics are only a guide because so many cases never get reported. They do not take into account the rest of the world either, so this is happening on a much larger scale.

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse over the course of her lifetime
• Every 30 seconds the police receive a call for help relating to domestic abuse
• Every day, the Refuge helpline team speaks to more than 100 survivors and those supporting them
• Right now, Refuge is supporting around 6,500 women and children to rebuild their lives following abuse

Being one of those women

It brings tears to my eyes to know that I am one of those women. Whilst I don’t feel ready yet to share my experiences, I know that one day I will, if only to help others. Well before I got into that relationship, I knew roughly about the signs. But they always seemed so drastic. I always thought I’d notice them straight away if they were happening to me. But abuse often doesn’t work like that.

I began my relationship in 2018. I thought that the showing an interest in what I wore or who I spoke to was just them caring. But it wasn’t. Instead, it was them testing the waters. I can still remember the first time I was “controlled” into what to wear. They always say their are two sides to the story. I know his… That he never forced me to wear certain clothes, I always had a choice. My side… he would guilt trip me, have dark mood swings, or cancel our plans at the drop of a hat. I ran home crying that first day, to change. By the time I’d got home, my tears had dried and I put on my best fake smile. Why? Because I was ashamed. This was just one of many signs of an abusive relationship.

I knew I should have left after that but it took me four years to do so. Things happened so subtlety that it’s only now when I look back, that I can really see what was happening. Within a year, I’d lost my friends, my job, my income, my blog and a wedge had been driven between me and my family. I’d gone from a happy, healthy carefree woman, to someone who was a ball of nerves, always anxious and self-doubting in a matter of months.

It took me years to admit what was happening, both to myself, and to anyone else. I wasn’t even going to admit it to anyone. However, whilst on holiday, a friend picked up on something and asked me about it later. I just crumbled and it all came out. But I was still ashamed after all that time.

In fact, it took one particularly horrible thing to happen months after I’d left my ex, before I would even report it to the police. The police officer was kind and sympathetic whilst I answered her questions and explained everything. But once I had admitted and started the process of accepting what I’d been through, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

The police then referred my case to Refuge, where I was given the help and support I needed. I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today without them. Even now, I will sometimes spot something knew in terms of the abuse I went through, that I hadn’t thought about before. It can be done so subtlety that you don’t even notice it at the time. In fact, it is often those around you that notice it first. However, they often don’t know how to approach the subject, for fear of pushing you further away.

What can I do if I think a loved one is in an abusive relationship?

Whilst your first thought might be to remove them from the situation, this isn’t always possible. But there are plenty of things you can do to support you’re loved one. Remember, it has to be their decision to leave, not yours, however hard that is.

Approaching the subject

The first thing you need to do is make sure you are in a safe space. Someone being abused is highly unlikely to admit or open up to you within the environment they are being abused in. From personal experience, I found the best place for me to open up was when out for a walk.

But it’s not just the environment that needs to be a safe space. You need to make it very clear to the abused that you won’t judge, even if deep down you have opinions on the matter. Its only once you feel they will open up, that you can tell them you’re worried about them.

It’s always a difficult subject to approach because its unlikely they will admit to it straight away. They might deny it or get defensive. Opening questions such as “you haven’t seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?” is a good way of starting the conversation. However don’t expect too much. It may still take several attempts for them to open up.

When they do eventually open up, listen and take everything they say seriously. It might sound trivial to you, but to them, they are suffering. Always remember that the person doing the abuse will always appear differently than what they do behind closed doors.

Remind your loved one that its not her fault. They aren’t to blame, neither have they caused it. At the height of my abuse, I honestly believed that I’d made my bed and now I had to lie in it, but this really isn’t the case.

Just hearing someone on the outside say they understand, without judgement can start to give someone being abused the strength to make changes. This won’t happen overnight, but keep telling them that they aren’t on their own. When you feel like the time is right, encourage them to get help. There are various abuse charities with a dedicated helpline, depending on the circumstances. Have these at the ready but remember it will take time.

Final Thoughts

I know this is a difficult topic to read about. I’ve definitely found it difficult to write about. However, if I can save just one person from going through what I did, I will feel like I’ve achieved something. Recognising that there is abuse is the first step for a survivor. That took me almost four years. Even then, its often difficult to open up to others, so patience is key.

It takes huge courage to leave someone who controls and intimidates you. It is very much a process and people often find that the attempt to leave several times before they actually break away. I know I did. Whilst I would love to hear any feedback or comments below, I’d also appreciate any shares on social media of this post. Its so important to get the signs of an abusive relationship out there and also how people can help from the outside. There’s been all too many cases of domestic abuse in the news in recent years, so I don’t think I need to stress just how important it is that we share this subject.